THE EFFICIENCIES OF A BABY-POWERED ENGINE
by Chester H. Cusil
It is my belief, that, a baby-powered engine, if such an engine existed, which it hopefully will, is far more useful/environmentally sound/efficient than any engine/power source we currently have on Earth. There are several reasons why this is so, and this essay will explain why this is so.
First off, an engine powered by a baby is fuel efficient. We will never run out of fuel for this machine because babies are a replenishable source. Fossil fuels will eventually run out, electricity is not entirely trust-worthy, and nuclear power is just down-right undependable. Babies will always come and go, and when they're gone, we can always make new ones. This new, efficient engine will cause an economic boom, as people, who can only afford cars, will by them, as the term "gas money" is now obsolete. People can now make their own fuel source, that source being babies. As to how the mechanics of this engine work, I am unsure, for I am not a mechanic. But, you can be sure of several defining qualities of this machine. First off, several hoses will be attached to all the babies open orifices (excluding pours, but a pan under the baby will collect the vast amounts of sweat and use it as a coolant). This in itself should keep the baby from escaping, but as a safeguard, shackles will be applied to the baby's wrists and ankles and two giant screws will be screwed into its shoulder blades.
However, I believe it is fairly safe to assume that babies are a more efficient fuel source. The power and energy created, and wasted, by one baby far exceeds the potentials of gasoline, electricity, and nuclear power combined. I mean, think about it. All babies do is run around and poop all the time, and they are quite a hassle to anyone who has to deal with them. However, if that energy could be harnessed, just one baby could propel a car from Massachusetts to Florida in 2 days. And, when the baby is all used up, just throw it un the compost heap and get a new one.
Now, you may ask yourself, "Hey! Where the hell are we gonna get all these god damned babies?!" Well, make your own. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. This should be a self-explanatory process if you have completed your high school education, which I assume you have.
Typically, if properly cared for and fed, one baby can power one car for approximately two months. And, once dead, the baby still contributes to the propulsion of the car. Special tubes suck whatever life fource is left out of the dead baby, and will continue to power the car for an additional week. You might ask how you would know when your baby is no good? Well, you could check daily, or even weekly safely, however, when you can't hear the horrible screams anymore, it would be safe to assume that your baby has gone bad, and by bad I mean dead.
So therefore, a baby-powered engine would be the most useful, efficient and environmentally friendly engine than is currently on the market.
THE END
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